What We've Become
by Jennie-x
Summary: Jack is gone, and all Ianto wants to do is forget, but how can he forget the one thing that he loves the most? Rated for Language. Ianto / Jack.


What We've Become

The bar filled his senses and he felt his lips curved into the familiar smile as he slowly forgot the reasons for coming here. It was noisy and loud, everything he hated. But that's why he was there. No one knew him there, so he could be who he wanted to be, not the person every one who knew him thought of him as; useless, a push over, tea boy...

He walked to the bar as though he had done it a thousand times before, he sat on the tall stalls and ordered a vodka and coke, more vodka than coke just how he had come to like them. He sat and admired the view, there were men dancing in extremely tiny shorts on stage that instantly made him wish he wore looser jeans, men were dancing with each other with no cares in the world, and other men like him were just watching, hoping to find some one to share their bed for the evening.

Ianto knew exactly what it felt like to be the one night stand, to fall asleep in the arms of a man you cared about to wake up to an empty bed, though his experiences weren't really a one night stand, more like a friends with benefits just without the friendship. He took a long sip of his drink, his insides burning at the taste of the vodka but he didn't care, he just wanted to forget.

He soon spotted some one that could help him forget, and casually walked over. Something he would never have done if it wasn't for Jack, even though he had broken his heart, he had still given him the confidence he needed to slowly push him out of his life. The man he had chosen was young, the same age as him, maybe a year younger and extremely cute, blond hair, brown eyes, tight black jeans and a pale pink tee that told Ianto he worked out.

"Can I buy you a drink?" Ianto smiled and the man in question mirrored his smile with a lightly enthusiastic nod. "I'm Ianto,"

"Sean." The boy replied, his welsh accent stronger than Ianto's, they spoke for a while, as they slowly got drunk together, they spoke about everything from films, to music, and found that they had several things in common. It was getting late, and after some very slow dances, and some lively fast dances, Ianto was beginning to get bored of the idle banter that was being thrown around between the two, and by the look in Sean's eye, so was he.

"Do you want to come back to mine?" Ianto smiled as he brushed his body against Sean's as the music slowed, Sean nodded before kissing him roughly. They walked back to Ianto's flat huddled close together, as they were both drunk and it was rather cold. When Ianto opened the door to his flat, and closed it behind Sean, he found himself pinned against the door being kissed hot and passionately, and thoughts of Jack slowly left him as he was directing Sean to the bedroom.

-x-

Two weeks later and Ianto was at work, his head was aching and no matter how many mugs of coffee he drank he didn't feel any better. "You alright?" Gwen asked, she had taken over the role of team leader and was growing to be as egotistical as Jack and Ianto slowly found himself resenting her.

"Fine, just hung over." Ianto replied bitterly, not caring if he was being rude towards the welsh woman.

"You hung over?" Owen, who had been at his desk laughed. "Didn't know you got drunk tea boy."

"Fuck off Owen!" Ianto shouted. "And I'm not a fucking tea boy."

"Ianto calm down yeah." Gwen said calmly hoping her tone would rub off on the younger man, but it failed.

"You know what Gwen fuck you, you think you run this whole thing now, when you don't, I don't even know why you're here, you've no fucking speciality have you? Toshiko has her computers, and Owen is the medic, and even I make the fucking coffee, but what are you other than a pain in the.."

"Ianto!" Toshiko said sternly, Ianto turned to look at her, she was the only one who made him feel as though this was worth something but right now she was failing.

"You know what fuck Torchwood, I quit." With that Ianto grabbed his jacket and walked out of the hub.

-x-

A month had passed since Ianto's departure, Gwen, Toshiko and Owen all thought that he would be back the next morning, coffee and scones with him to make up for it, but he never came back, when they went to his house he was never there or just didn't answer, and when they phoned they always got his answer machine.

Jack had came back in the middle of an investigation, and didn't ask about Ianto until they reached the hub, the others didn't know how to break it to him that the younger man was gone, so kept quiet until it was brought up.

"So, where's Ianto?" Jack asked as he looked around, the three of them looked at each other.

"He's gone Jack." Toshiko said softly. "He quit, one month ago, and no one's been able to reach him," Jack didn't say anything he just walked out of the hub, a determined look on his face.

-x-

Ianto stood at the bar of his usual club and ordered his usual drink, everything was so familiar now that the smile he used to smile had gone, and he found himself getting more drunk with every minute that had passed. After five vodka shots, he was in one of the toilet cubicles, being fucked by a man he didn't even know the name to, but anything was better then being at home, ignoring calls and thinking about Jack, as the man came inside him, and Ianto had failed to even moan in pleasure, he couldn't help but think maybe this wasn't worth it.

After the show in the bathrooms he decided it best to head home, get some sleep and not think about Jack. Staggering home, he lit up a cigarette and fumbled for his keys in his pocket. It was dark and when he reached his door step, he failed to see the figure sitting on the top step before he tripped over him, banging his head on the door as he cursed drunkenly.

"What the fuck.." Ianto shouted as he stared through the darkness at the figure, or at least he hoped it was at the figure as it really was that dark.

"Ianto, its me." Jack's voice echoed awkwardly through the silence. Ianto shook his head, thinking he must have drunk too much, he reached for his keys and opened his door, flicking the light in the hall way and turning back to see Jack standing there.

Ianto stood speechless, his eyes were blurry from the drink and the tears he was trying to hold back, not knowing what else to do he took a long drag of the cigarette that he been left in his hand, and then blew smoke into the open air. "Since when did you smoke?" Jack asked, concern webbed in his voice as he stared at the clearly distraught younger man.

"You fucking left Jack!" Ianto screamed, "What are you doing here?"

"I came back for Ianto." Jack said, trying to hold back the shock in his voice as he took a deep breath and smelt the alcohol that was leaking off Ianto.

"As far as I'm concerned you can go back." With that, Ianto slammed the front door and walked further into his house, he threw the keys on the table and then walked into the living room, flicking on the lights and the television, not thinking about Jack was harder than he had thought.

-x-

The next morning Ianto woke up in an awkward position on the sofa, a bottle of half drunk vodka in his hand, he shook his head and sat up, his head killing him as he made his way to the kitchen, thinking what he really needed right now was coffee. He opened the fridge and cursed, no milk, he looked in his cupboards, no coffee, no sugar, no nothing. Sighing, he walked into his bedroom stripping as he went, deciding he would have a shower and then go to the shops, fresh air would be good for his hang over.

After a very long, very hot shower, Ianto got dressed pulling on a pair of baggy jeans, and a black hoody, he found his converses under his bed, and then grabbed his keys and walked out of his house.

"I thought you were going to stay in all day," Jack's voice didn't surprise Ianto, but he pretended not to hear him and started to walk, "Yan, please talk to me."

"I've nothing to say." Ianto lied, truth was he had a hundred and one things to say, but refused to give Jack the satisfaction of knowing exactly how he felt.

"Well will you just listen to me then?" Jack pleaded, and Ianto stopped in his tracks and turned around.

"No, Jack, listen to me because I'm only going to say this once. You left us, you left me, I don't care where you went, who you were with or more to your style who you were fucking doing. . You were the one person in this world I depended on, and I knew you didn't exactly feel anything for me other than a causal fucking shag when you wanted it." Ianto paused and stared at the shocked face of an old woman who had walked past, "What the fuck you looking at?" Ianto snapped as she shook her head.

"Yan.." Jack whispered.

"NO I've not finished. I was there for you when ever you needed anything, I didn't deserve for you to walk out on me, hell the team didn't. So now Jack, I'm walking out on you, I'm walking out on Torchwood because you ruined my life, and I would say I wouldn't regret any of it, but the truth is, I regret ever signing up to Torchwood, I regret meeting you and worst of all, I regret falling in love with you." Ianto turned around and walked off leaving Jack standing in the middle of the street a sad expression on his face as he battled the tears that were threatening to fall.

-x-

Two weeks had passed since Jack had last seen Ianto, and even though he wanted to go and talk to him, he knew he shouldn't. Gwen had told him that he just needed time, but Jack failed to tell her everything he had said, and Jack knew time wasn't what Ianto needed.

Ianto stared at his reflection in his bathroom mirror, he looked like shit. He felt even worse, he was now drinking himself stupid every day trying to forget Jack but nothing was working, even though he tried to push the older man out of his life, he was stuck there. And that's when Ianto knew what he needed.

It was a slow day in the Torchwood hub, no alien sightings, no weevils to hunt, just paper work that seemed to have stacked up since Ianto had left. They all looked up when they heard the cog door opening, and they all looked surprised to see Ianto standing there, wearing a black zip up hoody and tight black trousers his hair was a mess, but it seemed to work for him.

"Ianto, mate you okay?" Owen asked.

"Give off Owen, you were never a mate." Jack seemed to sense something was happening and made his way down the stairs, double checking that it was really Ianto who stood in front of them.

"I want to forget." Ianto said the minute he looked at Jack.

"What?" Jack asked softly.

"You, I need to forget you!" Ianto said hysterically. "I want you to give me the amnesia pill, make me forget everything about you Jack fucking Harkness."

"No." Jack said strongly, trying to to give into the tears once more. "I wont let you forget."

"I'll tell people." Ianto threatened, "All about Torchwood, just give me the fucking pill."

"No, I can't let you forget me, us," Jack said moving closer to Ianto.

"What's there to forget Jack, a few fucks here and there?" Ianto who was still yelling moved away from Jack.

"I don't want you to forget because I don't want you to stop loving me." Jack said reaching out to Ianto who had backed himself against a wall.

"Jack, please.." Ianto whispered desperately. "It hurts too much to love you," Strangled tears fell from Ianto's eyes as he stared at Jack.

"It'll be okay." Jack said soothingly, as he pulled Ianto into a strong embrace. Breaking down Ianto started to cry freely, fitfully punching Jack in the chest, letting out all his hatred and emotions. Gwen, Toshiko and Owen all stared at him in shock, they hadn't seen him this angry since Lisa..

Jack whispered words of comfort into Ianto's ear as he continued to cry harder, Jack found that he too was crying but couldn't bring himself to break down, not now, he had to care for Ianto, he deserved that. After a few minutes, Ianto stopped crying and remained in Jack's arms.

"I love you Ianto Jones," Jack said strongly, Ianto pulled away slightly and looked at Jack. "I love you, and I know this past two months have been hell for both of us, but we can start knew, start us, I don't want you to be just another shag, I want you to be my boyfriend because you're already my life."

Ianto stared at Jack not too sure what to say, he was ready to hate him, walk out on him, but he wasn't too sure if he was ready to love him, even though that's the only thing he felt for him.

"Just come back to us Ianto." Toshiko spoke softly, and Ianto turned his gaze to her. "We've missed you."

"Why because none of you can work the coffee machine?" His words weren't harsh or bitter, they were friendly and Toshiko found herself smiling.

"Owen did try, though he failed," Gwen said not too sure where she stood with the man in front of her. Ianto looked over at Owen who looked away awkwardly.

"He's never been too good with his hands unless their in the body of a dead man." Ianto smirked, and Owen found himself laughing.

"So, what do you say?" Jack asked. "Come back to us."

"I don't know." Ianto sighed. "Can I think on it?" Jack nodded and then Ianto turned around and walked away.

"Jack do you think he's coming back?" Gwen asked.

"I think he'll make the right decision." Jack replied.

-x-

That night Ianto stayed in, he sat on his double bed a pad and paper in his hands, doing what he did best, writing lists, he had a positive and negative section and was filling in reasons why he should and shouldn't go back to work, on both sides he had Jack, but that was the only positive reason he could find for going back, the reasons not to go back was never ending. Yet he still couldn't decided. He picked up his phone and dialled Jack's number.

"Yan?" Jack asked eagerly on the other line.

"Can you come over, I mean if you're not busy." Ianto said nervously.

"I'll be over in five." Jack replied and the line went dead, and Ianto stared anxiously at the list.

Within ten minutes, Jack was sat opposite Ianto his bed staring at the list that Ianto had made. "You know there's more positive reasons to come back to work." Jack replied.

"Like?" Ianto asked, trying not to look in Jack's eyes too much.

"We save the world on a weekly basis." Jack smiled and Ianto just shook his head.

"No, you save the world on a weekly basis, I just make the coffee." Jack didn't know what to say to that, he knew Ianto felt slightly used at work but also knew there was nothing he could really do about it.

"I could train you as a field agent, and then you could save the world on a weekly basis too, I could even get you a long coat." Jack offered, but Ianto just remained silent staring at the floor. "Okay so lets talk through the con list, the team don't hate you."

"Okay I hate them," Ianto reasoned. "Well one of them."

"Owen?"

"Gwen." Ianto sighed, not too sure what it was about her that made his stomach ache with hatred, he shrugged the looks that Jack were given him off and looked up at the man. "I don't know what to do Jack.."

"Do you want to come back?" Jack asked softly, "If you don't want to, I can give you the pill and you can wake up tomorrow and forget everything."

"I don't want to forget it, I just don't think I belong there any more."

"Where would you go?" Jack asked, and Ianto just shrugged.

"When I was at Torchwood one, and when I was with Lisa, I finally felt as though I fit, that I had my place some where, I belonged. Then that feeling went away, I lost Lisa, I lost apart of myself when she tried to kill you. But then you forgave me, and that meant something to me, and I fell in love with you because after everything I'd done, after all the lies I told, you had it in your heart to forgive me. I didn't want to fall in love with you Jack, because I always thought you could never love me back, then you left, and my love for you slowly went away. I couldn't cry for you at first, I hated you that much, but then one day in your office I broke down, it was too much and after an hour or two crying myself to sleep, I decided I hated you. I stopped crying over you, tried to stop thinking about you and just tried to move on. So every night instead of sleeping alone, I went out and did you what you did to me, I found a guy I couldn't give two shits about and let them help me forget you. Nothing worked, you're webbed into my mind, everything I do, I do it because of you. Whether its drinking myself to sleep, or smiling when I wake up, its because of you. And I want to remember smiling because of you. But I don't know how." Ianto looked up at Jack, and wiped away the tears that had fallen from the blue eyes with his thumb resting his hands on his cheeks as Jack leant into the touch. "I don't know where I'd go, because even though I feel as though I don't belong at Torchwood, I know that I don't belong any where that isn't with you."

"Ianto, I love you, and what ever you decide, I'll still love you." Jack smiled.

"I love you," Ianto whispered, and pressed his lips softly against Jacks in a chaste kiss. "And with you is where I belong, even though I don't like it, I know I belong at Torchwood," Jack smiled at that, "I'll come back, if you still want me there."

"Of course I do." Jack smiled leaning and kissing Ianto passionately. Once the kiss broke, Jack stared at Ianto for what felt like hours, "I know I left you, and I wasn't planning on being gone so long, I just wanted to talk to the doctor find out why I'm so broken, but he didn't have any helpful answers, and we ended up far away from you. It was a year to me Ianto, a year without you was worse then the hundred and seven deaths I died, because you're the only one I woke up for, and I didn't think I was going to see you again." Jack sighed, "All I know is that now I have you, I'm never going to leave you again."


End file.
